Catalyst Pt. 2

Make sure you read this post before continuing.

Continued…

So since then Skuld and I have talked a little here and there.  I’ve tried to emphasize that I am enjoying her friendship, and more recently she’s made comments that she doesn’t want anybody else, or me, getting the wrong idea.  So I don’t think there’s any issue with us developing anything more, if there are any feelings either way then it’s being kept hidden and it’s probably for the best.  I say either way because I am not certain if I would want anything more, there’s part of me that just doesn’t want to think about that and I can’t say that I disagree.  Makes no sense to want to break up two marriages for something that may or may not even exist, so I guess it’s out of the question to even consider it.  Doesn’t seem to stop people from thinking that there’s more though, I guess a lot of people think sex trumps commitment.

Anyway, that type of interaction where I do really want to be with her and talk to her but I don’t want it to come across that I’m trying to hook up has made me watch my behavior a little more.  I mean, I’ve done that before but with Skuld, she is actually still being friendly back, and is making some effort to respond to me when I send a message.  It’s not always fast, but she responds.  Literally I can send messages to people, hear back quickly on a “Hi” but then ask something and then never get a message back.  How do you respond to that?  Did they innocently forget? Is it rude if I assume they forgot?  Living for other people most of my life by now I don’t like being rude, it upsets people.  So I just leave it and stop talking to people at all.  Still nobody goes out of their way to talk to me besides my wife.  It’s kind-of sad, really.  But that’s why it’s so important to me that Skuld does.  If she can’t talk and doesn’t respond for a while I get a sincere apology for not being able to, or at least I think it is.

There’s a ton of self-doubt here.  This is why there’s pt 1 and pt 2.  A lot of this is my perception of what’s gone on.  Well, it all is, but this is something that I can’t root in much fact because I can see the words but can’t tell if they are honest or not.  When I see Skuld I lose the doubt that she is sincere, but we actually don’t live near each other so Faire and pictures are the only real way I do see her, which are few and far between.

That started a war inside of me and I feel broken in two.  Seriously divided internally where not even my left and right side feel like the same person.  I’ve battled with this and… well, here we are, that’s my catalyst for this.

I’ve been trying to grow my whole life, only the last few years have had much improvement because I’ve tried to better myself for my children but it’s been slow as I’ve seen my terrible traits show up in them and I need to fix both at once.  But something about Skuld started that war inside of me and I think I’m ending up on top.  A little beaten and bruised, but on top.

Follow my other posts to keep track of what problems I have worked through, ones I am still struggling with and the ones I am still discovering.  Maybe you’ll learn something about yourself too.

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