The Catalyst

So this is the real reason I am doing this.  This is hard to write, really.  Something happened that made things change for me, and I honestly am not even certain what it really is.  I am a very analytical person, I like to figure things out and people are similar (not to sound arrogant but a lot of people are easy to figure out).  I have trouble with social situations though, pretty much just lack of experience.  I can see things great from the outside but I get completely lost when I am involved, and I know I see things in a skewed way then.

If you read my About (and I hope you did) you’ll know I don’t particularly like myself so I tend to assume others don’t as well and I don’t push in unless someone is intentionally making me feel welcome (very rare).  Some of my Faire family are like this and it is part of the reason I can always relax there.  One recent Faire I went alone (without wife/kids) and was expecting to be pretty bored – I haven’t gone alone to Faire in years and I never talk to people when I do.  But after setting up on Friday someone that was an acquaintance (hereby known as “Skuld”) came over to say hi and we sat and talked.  She came over with a friend she is always with (hereby “Gróa”), but that isn’t terribly important.  Skuld is an affectionate person and so am I (at Faire it’s pretty normal to give hugs and have physical contact with just about anybody).  We were drinking some and enjoying each other’s company as we talked with people, but as the night went on it got cold and I changed into pants and got my coat, Skuld had forgotten her coat and refused to admit she was cold so I had gotten my coat specifically so she could wear it.

That’s what started this.  A coat because it was cold.  Not really the coat, but the way she responded to it, most people would have taken it and carried on like normal but she didn’t.  She felt bad that I didn’t have a coat, legitimately felt bad and I saw it.  I hadn’t seen care from a person like that in so long that I won’t forget it. I mean, I do have a wife that loves me and I love her but it just didn’t feel the same.  Anyway, Skuld felt bad that I was cold and put her arm and the coat around me to keep me warm.  I had my arm around her and we just relaxed as we sat and talked still not alone, but still holding each other.  Skuld is married, and so am I.  As far as I can tell there was nothing between us besides friendship, and even if there was it wouldn’t matter because we are both happily married. (still makes me wonder if circumstances were different though)

Through the rest of the weekend we hung out a little bit more but not a whole lot else.  I did catch a few looks that Skuld had given me though.  I know I got a few looks from different women and I finally felt attractive (new beard cut I think helped, and I’ve gotten a bit more muscular).  I don’t know about how Skuld was looking at me though, it was less “He’s hot” and more… something else.  To venture a guess based off other conversation we’ve had since then I’d say she may be having some of the same problems.

I just don’t know what it is with Skuld, but with her I feel comfortable and relaxed.  I feel like I can expose myself like this and it’s okay.  She is someone very important to me, but I have to say that I actually am not wanting anything more of a relationship with her – just to be a friend.  It’s nice to feel like someone actually cares about and appreciates me.  Try explaining that to your wife when she already thinks you’re going to leave her regardless of the fact that I talk to nobody and do nothing (insecurity).
To be continued…

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