My Curse

I forgot about one thing when I wrote the about me and everything else, but it’s something that deserves it’s own post anyway.

My life is a blessing and a curse.  Serendipity is something I am quite accustomed to.  Things work out, I know they will (normally) and times I have a strong gut feeling for something I tend to be right.  That’s my blessing.  I have certain items of clothing that when I just feel it’s the right day to wear… have certain outcomes.  The worst is a bit chaotic.  It’s not every time I wear it, just times I know I should wear it are days that it’s going to be fun, whether or not I actually choose to wear it.  But maybe that’s just a game I play with myself, I’m not sure.

But my curse is real.  I have this one thing, something I can’t tell anyone.  It’s funny that way, actually.  See, I have this curse that when I really need to talk, nobody can.  Everybody is asleep or busy.  Take today for example.  I was sitting around sanding some table legs for a project.  Really I was just trying to do something that wasn’t self-destructive, so punishing myself by doing work on a project when it will leave me sore was a fair compromise in my mind.  During that I sent a message to the two people I know that were online that I had some idea of something to say: 1) Skuld, said I could use someone to talk to if she’s up, she responded that she was up but didn’t feel like chatting.  I actually appreciate the honesty, so I wasn’t left wondering.  2) Someone made a vague post about being upset on Facebook so I sent them a message asking if they wanted to talk but they were out with friends for the same reason.  So I laughed a little.  Okay, I will try someone else, I am determined to not let this get me down.  The only other person online at the time was Lakshmana, an old friend of mine and Enid’s.  Mostly Enid’s friend, they got along great, but he is bi and was more interested in me.  I tried sending him a message before, not knowing what to say I had asked “What’s up?” and got no response.  But he did make a post on Facebook about 20 minutes later saying that he doesn’t want to talk about “What’s up” but something with depth.  So without something in mind I didn’t want to try that one.

It’s always been a problem for me.  If I really need someone to talk to I end up 100% alone.  Not even the people I don’t want to talk to are around when I need to talk.  That’s why I have this.  Nobody reads it anyways, but at least I can type it out and not delete it.  The idea of it being seen is helpful, but it’s also comforting knowing nobody actually will read any of this crap.  Today I even tried to not let it get to me, and I tried to expand the people I talked to, but nothing.  I’ve made posts on Facebook and Snapchat that I can guarantee got seen asking for someone to talk to and ended up with nothing.  Fuck me huh?





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