Maybe it’s the weather, but I am doubtful. Today makes the fourth day I haven’t done much. Well, I guess I did. I mean some cooking, cleaning, did laundry and put up Christmas lights. But it feels empty. Yesterday I don’t think I really did anything at all. I slept until 1pm pretty much, and had to go pick up a child from school at 1:30.
I don’t really have a point to this post. I just have been sitting around all day. I’ve eaten a few times, so I’m not really starved, and I am hoping that some rest or something will help. But I keep getting a sinking feeling. I want to cry and I don’t know why. I keep wanting to punch myself in the leg.
I used to hurt myself. Yea it’s a terrible thing to do, but I didn’t do it for attention. If I did I probably wouldn’t be writing this blog in secret. To date I have exactly 0 views on everything.
Sorry stopped to feed the animals. Made me feel a little better, but now I’m back to nothing to do. So Yea, I used to hurt myself. Had problems with depression, feeling numb and dissociating, a feeling that I was disconnecting from myself. The pain was the only thing that helped bring me back. Well, human contact helped, but my family wasn’t very supportive – they all cared about themselves, and I had no friends. So I didn’t have anybody to contact, and left pain as the only other option.
A few days ago when Enid and I fought, I had gotten very frustrated and went outside. I hid in the woods so I would be left the fuck alone, but that was after hitting myself in the leg a good 6 times. I didn’t feel it much though. I still feel a little sore from it, but at the time I didn’t feel it. Maybe it was the weed and alcohol, but I don’t know.
I plan on doing some art later, but for now I think I’ll read. I feel like I lead such a rich life – reading, writing, painting, woodworking… but really I do most of it because I have nothing else to do. Literally nothing else. We’ll see if painting or getting ready for a painting will help.