Feeling down

Maybe it’s the weather, but I am doubtful.  Today makes the fourth day I haven’t done much.  Well, I guess I did.  I mean some cooking, cleaning, did laundry and put up Christmas lights.  But it feels empty.  Yesterday I don’t think I really did anything at all.  I slept until 1pm pretty much, and had to go pick up a child from school at 1:30.

I don’t really have a point to this post.  I just have been sitting around all day.  I’ve eaten a few times, so I’m not really starved, and I am hoping that some rest or something will help.  But I keep getting a sinking feeling.  I want to cry and I don’t know why.  I keep wanting to punch myself in the leg.

I used to hurt myself.  Yea it’s a terrible thing to do, but I didn’t do it for attention.  If I did I probably wouldn’t be writing this blog in secret.  To date I have exactly 0 views on everything.

Sorry stopped to feed the animals.  Made me feel a little better, but now I’m back to nothing to do.  So Yea, I used to hurt myself.  Had problems with depression, feeling numb and dissociating, a feeling that I was disconnecting from myself.  The pain was the only thing that helped bring me back.  Well, human contact helped, but my family wasn’t very supportive – they all cared about themselves, and I had no friends.  So I didn’t have anybody to contact, and left pain as the only other option.

A few days ago when Enid and I fought, I had gotten very frustrated and went outside.  I hid in the woods so I would be left the fuck alone, but that was after hitting myself in the leg a good 6 times.  I didn’t feel it much though.  I still feel a little sore from it, but at the time I didn’t feel it.  Maybe it was the weed and alcohol, but I don’t know.

I plan on doing some art later, but for now I think I’ll read.  I feel like I lead such a rich life – reading, writing, painting, woodworking… but really I do most of it because I have nothing else to do.  Literally nothing else.  We’ll see if painting or getting ready for a painting will help.

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