So this weekend was interesting. Thanksgiving was nice, we had a small family thing. For the first time for Enid it was a small family Thanksgiving that went well. For me it was just a nice small family Thanksgiving. Growing up I missed out on a lot of the family events because I was the youngest – so by the time I hit a teen, my family had spread out a lot and my parents wanted to go to their friends for holidays.
Enid’s family had a lot of problems. Her mother had a lot of problems, I should say. When they did a small family Thanksgiving it was always stressful because Mother needed things done right. I won’t give her a name because I don’t want to mention her again. This blog is for me, not Enid. Sorry but I’m not sorry about that.
Anyway, Thanksgiving went well, so I figured problems were lying ahead – there’s never anything good that happens without Enid having a breakdown soon after. On Saturday I had the thought that a walk sounded nice, and Enid wanted to join me. I thought this would be nice, something we can just spend some time together. On the return trip we stopped by a fallen tree and she started to space out some. I could see she was getting upset about something and figured that since we were away from the house it would be a nice time for us to talk. Her counselor had suggested we not fight inside the house, I think just because it would force a break before we fight and calm ‘us’ down. I don’t think Enid is giving her counselor the full story and I think she’s hiding what she’s doing. So I asked what’s wrong. I guess I shouldn’t have, because she has told me repeatedly now that I should trust her to tell me when something is wrong.
But I couldn’t help it. I care about her, so I want to know what’s wrong. She said ‘nothing’, and then her face dropped. Like she was about to cry type of drop. So I asked again, and she dropped her head, turned away slightly and said ‘nothing’ again. I put my hand on her face, something that comforts her immensely, looked her in the eye and asked again, gently, doing everything I could to let her know that I am there for her and that I want to know what’s wrong. She again said ‘nothing’ followed quickly by “it’s the same bullshit, I don’t want want to talk about it.”
That doesn’t seem like much, but it hit me hard. See, it was three separate times that she told me to trust her that she will say when something is wrong, and that I don’t have to ask her, and then she directly proved that she won’t do that. Now everything with Skuld and faire was also trust things, so it was all fresh in my mind.
Then Enid wants to fix everything, because she made me upset. I get that there’s a want to not see your partner upset and doing things to cheer them up but you can’t just ‘fix’ everything. But Enid tries to. I was hurt, that can’t be fixed, but she tried. And it got me annoyed. I couldn’t be too mad though because she meant well, just didn’t care for what I had to say about it.
All weekend I felt like my opinion didn’t much matter. Well, it did in the sense that I matter to her and she wants my opinion. It seems the same but it isn’t to me, maybe I just worded it wrong. I feel like she wants me because I help her, and that because I am good for her she wants me. It has nothing to do with me or who I am, but just that I am a happy thing to her. I don’t necessarily mind that entirely but I feel like the fact I am sitting in that position means that I am nothing more than a thing to her. I feel like a thing to a lot of people, but Skuld made me feel like a person. The first that I can think of that made me feel important. But that’s irrelevant, Skuld didn’t take part this weekend, it was all at home.
Sunday night Enid and I had a talk. At some point she brought up faire from a few years ago. It was when the group we go with (my parents) was a little different. See it’s a ‘tavern’ but it used to be more of a bar. After hours was a party and people came and got drunk a lot, a lot of people in open relationships came by, it was that type of place. Well we were there because it was our group during the day, and free alcohol at night, we didn’t have an open relationship but enjoyed the company (non-sexually) of a few people that came by. So, backstory aside there was one person that was at the bar in small shorts (or something similar, I can’t remember) and a bikini top. She liked attention, but had mentioned she was a Suicide Girl (I never found if that was true or not) and had several people undo her top that night. I remember undoing her top. I was behind her, and thought it was amusing because I was young and stupid, and this was someone that didn’t care about her tits hanging out – and she had a nice body. I don’t actually remember seeing her tits though, because I was behind – and like I said, I was young and hoped to see them some, I recall being a little let down after faire that I never did really get to see her tits (each flash or time they came out I wasn’t in sight). But Enid remembers it differently. Enid remembers seeing me, from a distance, undoing both top and bottom knots in the back, pulling her top off and grabbing her tits, then later standing there talking still while holding them. And that’s how I lost her trust, because at faire I grabbed another woman’s chest.
So now when I say I have given her no reason to not trust me, she thinks of that incident. Apparently I lost her trust years ago, and just found out. It kills me inside to think about it. It doesn’t hurt, it just dies some. This isn’t a happy post that I overcame something terrible. No, this post is just because I was hurt this weekend. Trust means everything to me, and to know I haven’t had it… hurts. Well, it did. Now the hurt stops and it just… feels dead. I don’t know what to think.
I wish someone could help.