This blog is to catalog my growth out of depression and social anxiety, slowly moving into the real world.  I don’t want to be identified so some of this information will be vague but I am still going to be as specific as I can because some of the finer details matter.  In that sense I am going to be assigning names, ones from mythology and history I think.

I will have some entries in chronological order, if it matters and others will be odd things i have learned.  I doubt I will have anything regularly posted, but I might change that if it helps me more or if people are enjoying this.

Who I am

I am about 30 years old, male and white, so I pretty much fit into a pretty generic demographic.  I grew up as the youngest child by 4 years which is effectively both youngest and only child at the same time (everything and nothing all at once).  It was frustrating.  I was also scrawny growing up, and smart so I was nerdy.  My parents liked being in BFE and not having neighbors or a social life so I never had that opportunity early on.  I was picked on by my family, teasing is pretty normal in families but not so much teasing someone older than you – and being the youngest I just got to sit and take it.  I was picked on some at school because I didn’t fit in which didn’t help me fitting in any, so I just stopped caring.

Apparently that’s what makes people seem cooler, not caring what people think of them.  That statement is a bit confusing to me.  I was picked on a lot and often didn’t get anything I wanted and nobody went out of their way to help me.  I learned to be independent early on, I self taught skills and would get ahead of the class because I was learning it on my own.  But that aspect of being independent at 4th grade meant that by 5th grade or so I was seeing a counselor.  What for? Because someone found the semi-mock suicide note I had written.  I was 9 and was nihilistic and having an existential crisis and wrote a suicide note.  The counselor was shit and didn’t help me at all, his tactics to help me were pretty obvious (I probably should have seen a counselor for teens/adults, looking back, but being independent not many people knew me that well) and were pretty boring.  But I knew that people were worried about me and wanted me better… so I got better.

I hid my depression and loneliness, and seeing people happy and the fact I didn’t fit in hurt a lot.  But I made an important discovery: it hurts less when you don’t care about yourself, because when you don’t care about yourself you don’t care what people say about you.  I realized that if I was to kill myself I would be hurting a lot of people.  Funny that.  Hurt a lot of people if I was to die, yet so many of them wouldn’t give me the time of day alive.  That made me cooler, and made people ‘like’ me.  I started to care about other people, putting myself as the bottom pillar to help hold other people up and it helped me feel a little better but I know that people didn’t actually like me for me.

I know I stopped giving a timeframe, but that last paragraph spans pretty much from 10 years old through my mid 20’s when I started realizing the extent of my problems.  That’s a long time to stop caring about yourself.

Right now I am a lot happier but I still have a long way to go.  I’ve learned to start caring about myself and it’s making small improvements.  I have a daughter and a step daughter (tweens) and I am married to a woman I met in elementary school.  She was a friend before I broke myself but we had lost contact somewhere in the middle.  I am her second husband, the first one wasn’t a pretty relationship that I helped her get out of.  I do Renaissance Faires (in California, single weekend events) as a way to get some exposure to people (I can completely control how much exposure there is) both to general people to gain confidence and to participants to hopefully find a friend.

Why I am doing this

In the past few years I’ve grown a lot.  I used to have a bad temper but I can keep it under control to the point I don’t get even get angry often and I can pass off frustrations easily.  I’ve learned how to essentially force happiness (it’s not as bad as it sounds).  Basically, I’m learning to be happy.

I know a lot of people that have some of the same problems.  It is in part because of that that I am seeing my own problems and finding how to work through them.  But that is only part of it.  I’ve worked through most of my problems years ago, it just didn’t matter because I wasn’t happy and I didn’t know how to be happy.  That sounds confusing but I don’t want to edit this.

I want to help people not feel like I have.  I want people to know how to get better, how to be nicer and happier and hopefully make the world a better place with more friends all over.  Even if nothing else I want to document my growth.  Hopefully it will help me continue to grow.

Keep it Hidden

So, the site is Fairely Hidden.  I said I was independent by that I mean I don’t share things with people often, and I have honestly worked most of this out myself.  But since I have few people I am comfortable around I do not feel safe offering my soft underbelly, so to speak, to many people.  I am okay if nobody knows who I am – or at least if they do know who I am that they don’t mention this publicly.  Seriously, I would like to keep this anonymous; make it depressives anonymous.