So, I just wanted to have a place to explain a few things for everybody.

Images:

Are all stock images (Courtesy: Death to the Stock Photo) or WordPress stock

Names:

All names are going to be changed for the sake of anonymity. I decided to use Behind The Name random name generator, and I’m just picking categories for each person and using a random name.  Feel free to look up what they mean.

Enid: The wife

Skuld: The Catalyst

Gróa: BFF of Skuld

Extra bits:

Other things you may want to know

Renaissance Faire: Also known as a ren faire/fair or simply faire/fair.  A weekend festival where participants act like they are part of a group in the renaissance times.  These can be some strange people, but normally are very nice people and friends are faire are family, and hugs are common.  Because of the temporary nature of the event it is also not uncommon that there are temporary relationships (even among married people).  I’ve heard before “What happens at faire stays at faire” on several occasions.

Problems:

I have had some mental problems through my life, though not officially diagnosed I am not claiming to have any serious disorder, just a bad combination of lesser ones.  Here are a few of them that really have information available, and I’ll give a little information how it relates to me.

Depression : (major depressive disorder or clinical depression) is a common but serious mood disorder. It causes severe symptoms that affect how you feel, think, and handle daily activities, such as sleeping, eating, or working. To be diagnosed with depression, the symptoms must be present for at least two weeks.

Anxiety : You might feel anxious when faced with a problem at work, before taking a test, or making an important decision. But anxiety disorders involve more than temporary worry or fear. For a person with an anxiety disorder, the anxiety does not go away and can get worse over time. The feelings can interfere with daily activities such as job performance, school work, and relationships. There are several different types of anxiety disorders.

Dissociation : Dissociative disorders are characterized by an involuntary escape from reality characterized by a disconnection between thoughts, identity, consciousness and memory. People from all age groups and racial, ethnic and socioeconomic backgrounds can experience a dissociative disorder.

How it relates to me:

I’ve had some issues I’ve known about since I was about 7 or 8, which is a pretty early age.  As I grew I kept my problems to myself because when I tried to share them I never got help.  I learned to not rely on others, I was frequently disappointed if I did.  By the time I was 9 I knew I was depressed, I had seen a counselor that had described the symptoms but thought I was just sad about having killed my pet cat when I was younger (put it in a lunchbox for some reason, closed it and was called away so I didn’t open it and let it out).  I got past that, but it’s just not a happy memory.

But the depression was real.  That sinking feeling, literally like someone has a hook on the back of your sternum and is just pulling it straight back to the base of your spine.  I’ve learned I can sit for hours without really moving or thinking.  I have times that I just stop breathing with no real urge to continue.  Those times are interesting because the survival instinct kicks in and I get distracted by the fact that no matter what happens our bodies always want to survive.

I also have problems with anxiety, but this isn’t a major one.  I do get small panic attacks when I think of interactions with people, or if someone is going to read a message………. or if someone is going to read this.  But I am pushing through it anyway.  Maybe I’m just stubborn but I’ve found that just not stopping is the best way.  But I can also work through most pains because I stopped caring, so the pain of anxiety, depression or not breathing are all things I can handle.

Dissociation is the fun one… but that’s been a long time since it’s been a problem.  If you don’t know what it is, it’s that feeling when your mind and body separate and you can’t control it.  The best way to explain it is that you are not actually the one in control, but rather sitting back and watching it like a first person perspective movie.  It’s more likely to happen during times of stress, which coupled with anxiety problems means it can happen during a panic attack, or be caused by a stray thought.  I’m not sure totally, but I’ve always hated and loved the feeling.  It was escaping without actually escaping.

When the dissociation got bad I would start to hurt myself, because if I felt the pain then I knew I was real.  But I knew I couldn’t keep hurting myself, it’s just too obvious to other people and then they ask questions and I didn’t want that.  I still have my knives because I had some that were special but I don’t cut myself, or stab myself anymore.  I still do hurt myself occasionally, mostly out of anger, and still to break that dissociation.  It keeps me in reality and forces me to address the problems instead of escaping them.  I don’t recommend it, seriously go get help if you hurt yourself.

I still have these problems.  I don’t even know where the panic attacks come from sometimes, it’s a flash of a thought in the back of my mind, and I’ll suddenly have a tightness in my chest and I can’t focus.  I have forced my way through it, because it can happen any time anywhere, most often when I’m alone.  Depression hits a lot, but it’s been getting better and has been replaced by simple loneliness, which is actually something I am welcoming.  It’s still  a step up.  And the dissociation only really happens when I am fighting with Enid and it gets out of hand (which is most fights, but the fights are much less common now).


If you need help, get help.  If you can’t manage to do something about it then contact me.  I don’t care who you are, I don’t even need to know but I will do what I can to help.  Trust me, I know how bad it is when nobody listens.

https://www.mentalhealth.gov/get-help/

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