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My Beliefs

I’m not a very religious person.  Well, I’m not really religious at all.  But I’m not an athiest, I’m agnostic.  Athiesm is the belief that there is no god (used here synonymously with diety), specifically that – that one does NOT exist.  Agnostic is saying that there’s no way to know anything, whether there is a god or not, or whether any belief is right or wrong.

I don’t fucking know, and neither do any of you.

At best we have a guess of what happens in the worlds we can’t see, and at worst… well, we have a bad guess.  I believe in karma.  Not necessarily any spiritually tied form of it, but that one does get what they deserve, although they may not know what they deserve (hint: they don’t).  This doesn’t explain everything, of course.  I’m partial to the chaos theory that everything is random, but I also think that there is more at play than we realize.

The butterfly effect for example is a great idea, part of the chaos theory I think – I don’t feel like looking it up honestly.  But the idea that one small action in one part of the world could set into motion something terrible in a completely separate part of the world.

Not to that extreme though – that’s just stupid.  But I think it’s somewhere between that and “what goes around comes around” sense of karma that doing good will have good done unto you.  As sad as it sounds I think something like Dungeons and Dragons has it figured out, that we have some certain benefits based on our individual skills – and those skills can lead to an innate 100% success rate on certain tasks, but that majority of other tasks rely on random chance weighted by our skills.  Sure, you have a 99% chance of picking up that jar of pickles – but you rolled a nat 1 and it fell to the ground.

I know it’s not really that random.  It’s all based off several series of events that won’t even end at that scenario or with that person.  That’s the chaos theory part.  Tommy didn’t want to listen to his mom and wash his hands after breakfast – so they have butter on them, and all over his face.  Tommy and his mom go to the store and Tommy sees the pickles.  Tommy loves pickles.  So he wants to show mommy, but his hands are so buttery he can’t pick it up.  Tommy is a kid, after all.  Ha, I just realized – Tommy Pickles, like Rugrats!  So then Tommy gets called by his mom down the aisle and he forgets all about the pickles.  Then you come along.  You’re used to picking up pickle jars with one hand, it’s easy for an adult like you.  But your grip slips because of Tommy’s butter, and the pickle jar falls to the ground.  It wasn’t a ton of butter, but it was JUST enough to make you drop that jar.  Point of that story?  Tommy’s mom should have been paying attention to her child and had him wash his damned hands.

So where is this in my belief? Well it’s just part of it, the other part I don’t want to explain because it makes me sound crazy.  And maybe I am, but I’ll keep that part to myself.

Back to this part… I guess the point is that my belief is pretty simple.  I don’t know if there is a god or not, nor do I rightly care.  If there is a god why should I live my life for him to help my fellow beings when I can just help them myself?  I don’t care if there is an afterlife, and that scares some people.  I don’t care where I end up when I die, I’ll deal with that when I die.  Right now I want to care about other people.  And animals, I love animals.  I don’t care where I end up when I die because I know I’m making a positive influence while I’m alive.  If there is a heaven or a hell, then I’ll end up where I belong.  And if I belong in hell then I will just be happy for the people I helped along the way and take my punishment.

Maybe I don’t believe in god, but I do believe that there is some force that is holding things in line.  At least I like to think so, but I can never really convince myself it’s true.  I don’t think there’s anything more than us, I think it’s really just us.  And I think we are the most advanced beings around for a long way.  Someone needs to be on top, and why can’t it be us?  We have problems, but honestly – look at this, I’m typing away at rainbow colored keys to put text onto a computer that I don’t even know where it rests, and I’m listening to music that was made hundreds of years ago (Classical) and an odd mix of Taco Bell commercials.  I have something sitting in front of me that fits in my pocket and yet I can use it to watch near live footage of the weather above me nearly anywhere in the world.  I can send a message across the planet in milliseconds.  We live in a world where SECONDS is a long time!  The cavemen were living by the day – probably something incremental of hours as a standard of time, and yet now we have such precision that seconds matter.  100 years ago it would take weeks to get a message across the ocean and right now because of things like the stock exchange it is down to milliseconds, and I don’t mean 100’s of milliseconds, but just milliseconds.  Just a few.  An entire ocean in milliseconds, and yet we can’t be advanced enough?

I digress.  I guess it brings up my point though that people are both God and Satan rolled into one.  We have heaven and hell and everything in between.  Those stories weren’t the afterlife, it was about our own world based on those actions.  I have an oddly high amount of good things happen.  Small things, like bonuses at a restaurant or a store, getting something extra without asking (or sometimes with asking).  And I could say it’s karma, because of the good I’ve done and happiness I’ve brought, or that I’ve done my deeds in church and I’ve earned my reward.  Or I can could say I was just being happy and smiling to someone that had a rough day, and having one nice customer was something to brighten things up for them.  When I see a cashier that is in a bad mood – I try to be a little extra friendly, not overboard, but enough to make them not hate the world.  I don’t do it for a reward, but I do it because I like to see people smile.  And sometimes it benefits me, but that’s a perk, not why I do it.

In essence it’s karma to me.  Because if you are nice to enough people, nice things start happening to you.  Have you ever been at work and had someone nice come though and just wanted to help them out?  Maybe scan a 20% discount coupon they didn’t have, or something of the sort?  Why not try to be that person.  Not the one that is nice enough that they get discounts, but someone that is just genuinely nice.  Because even if you didn’t scan that 20% coupon, you still felt better when they left.  Be that person.

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Feeling down

Maybe it’s the weather, but I am doubtful.  Today makes the fourth day I haven’t done much.  Well, I guess I did.  I mean some cooking, cleaning, did laundry and put up Christmas lights.  But it feels empty.  Yesterday I don’t think I really did anything at all.  I slept until 1pm pretty much, and had to go pick up a child from school at 1:30.

I don’t really have a point to this post.  I just have been sitting around all day.  I’ve eaten a few times, so I’m not really starved, and I am hoping that some rest or something will help.  But I keep getting a sinking feeling.  I want to cry and I don’t know why.  I keep wanting to punch myself in the leg.

I used to hurt myself.  Yea it’s a terrible thing to do, but I didn’t do it for attention.  If I did I probably wouldn’t be writing this blog in secret.  To date I have exactly 0 views on everything.

Sorry stopped to feed the animals.  Made me feel a little better, but now I’m back to nothing to do.  So Yea, I used to hurt myself.  Had problems with depression, feeling numb and dissociating, a feeling that I was disconnecting from myself.  The pain was the only thing that helped bring me back.  Well, human contact helped, but my family wasn’t very supportive – they all cared about themselves, and I had no friends.  So I didn’t have anybody to contact, and left pain as the only other option.

A few days ago when Enid and I fought, I had gotten very frustrated and went outside.  I hid in the woods so I would be left the fuck alone, but that was after hitting myself in the leg a good 6 times.  I didn’t feel it much though.  I still feel a little sore from it, but at the time I didn’t feel it.  Maybe it was the weed and alcohol, but I don’t know.

I plan on doing some art later, but for now I think I’ll read.  I feel like I lead such a rich life – reading, writing, painting, woodworking… but really I do most of it because I have nothing else to do.  Literally nothing else.  We’ll see if painting or getting ready for a painting will help.

Recent Events

So this weekend was interesting.  Thanksgiving was nice, we had a small family thing.  For the first time for Enid it was a small family Thanksgiving that went well.  For me it was just a nice small family Thanksgiving.  Growing up I missed out on a lot of the family events because I was the youngest – so by the time I hit a teen, my family had spread out a lot and my parents wanted to go to their friends for holidays.

Enid’s family had a lot of problems.  Her mother had a lot of problems, I should say.  When they did a small family Thanksgiving it was always stressful because Mother needed things done right.  I won’t give her a name because I don’t want to mention her again.  This blog is for me, not Enid.  Sorry but I’m not sorry about that.

Anyway, Thanksgiving went well, so I figured problems were lying ahead – there’s never anything good that happens without Enid having a breakdown soon after.  On Saturday I had the thought that a walk sounded nice, and Enid wanted to join me.  I thought this would be nice, something we can just spend some time together.  On the return trip we stopped by a fallen tree and she started to space out some.  I could see she was getting upset about something and figured that since we were away from the house it would be a nice time for us to talk.  Her counselor had suggested we not fight inside the house, I think just because it would force a break before we fight and calm ‘us’ down.  I don’t think Enid is giving her counselor the full story and I think she’s hiding what she’s doing.  So I asked what’s wrong.  I guess I shouldn’t have, because she has told me repeatedly now that I should trust her to tell me when something is wrong.

But I couldn’t help it.  I care about her, so I want to know what’s wrong.  She said ‘nothing’, and then her face dropped.  Like she was about to cry type of drop.  So I asked again, and she dropped her head, turned away slightly and said ‘nothing’ again.  I put my hand on her face, something that comforts her immensely, looked her in the eye and asked again, gently, doing everything I could to let her know that I am there for her and that I want to know what’s wrong.  She again said ‘nothing’ followed quickly by “it’s the same bullshit, I don’t want want to talk about it.”

That doesn’t seem like much, but it hit me hard.  See, it was three separate times that she told me to trust her that she will say when something is wrong, and that I don’t have to ask her, and then she directly proved that she won’t do that.  Now everything with Skuld and faire was also trust things, so it was all fresh in my mind.

Then Enid wants to fix everything, because she made me upset.  I get that there’s a want to not see your partner upset and doing things to cheer them up but you can’t just ‘fix’ everything.  But Enid tries to.  I was hurt, that can’t be fixed, but she tried.  And it got me annoyed.  I couldn’t be too mad though because she meant well, just didn’t care for what I had to say about it.

All weekend I felt like my opinion didn’t much matter.  Well, it did in the sense that I matter to her and she wants my opinion.  It seems the same but it isn’t to me, maybe I just worded it wrong.  I feel like she wants me because I help her, and that because I am good for her she wants me.  It has nothing to do with me or who I am, but just that I am a happy thing to her.  I don’t necessarily mind that entirely but I feel like the fact I am sitting in that position means that I am nothing more than a thing to her.  I feel like a thing to a lot of people, but Skuld made me feel like a person.  The first that I can think of that made me feel important.  But that’s irrelevant, Skuld didn’t take part this weekend, it was all at home.

Sunday night Enid and I had a talk.  At some point she brought up faire from a few years ago.  It was when the group we go with (my parents) was a little different.  See it’s a ‘tavern’ but it used to be more of a bar.  After hours was a party and people came and got drunk a lot, a lot of people in open relationships came by, it was that type of place.  Well we were there because it was our group during the day, and free alcohol at night, we didn’t have an open relationship but enjoyed the company (non-sexually) of a few people that came by.  So, backstory aside there was one person that was at the bar in small shorts (or something similar, I can’t remember) and a bikini top.  She liked attention, but had mentioned she was a Suicide Girl (I never found if that was true or not) and had several people undo her top that night.  I remember undoing her top.  I was behind her, and thought it was amusing because I was young and stupid, and this was someone that didn’t care about her tits hanging out – and she had a nice body.  I don’t actually remember seeing her tits though, because I was behind – and like I said, I was young and hoped to see them some, I recall being a little let down after faire that I never did really get to see her tits (each flash or time they came out I wasn’t in sight).  But Enid remembers it differently.  Enid remembers seeing me, from a distance, undoing both top and bottom knots in the back, pulling her top off and grabbing her tits, then later standing there talking still while holding them.  And that’s how I lost her trust, because at faire I grabbed another woman’s chest.

So now when I say I have given her no reason to not trust me, she thinks of that incident.  Apparently I lost her trust years ago, and just found out.  It kills me inside to think about it.  It doesn’t hurt, it just dies some.  This isn’t a happy post that I overcame something terrible.  No, this post is just because I was hurt this weekend.  Trust means everything to me, and to know I haven’t had it… hurts.  Well, it did.  Now the hurt stops and it just… feels dead.  I don’t know what to think.

I wish someone could help.

Art Therapy

I recently started getting into art.  I shouldn’t really say recently though, but I do anyway.  I’ve done years of art classes.  Not always by choice, I went to school with someone who’s mom was an aspiring art teacher, so it was something that’s been tossed in a lot, and I took it as a couple electives.  Never good with it, but still enjoyed it.  I knew the techniques but could never really make it work.

It wasn’t until recently that I actually started relaxing while doing something.  I have been trying to do it for a long time, but only within the last few months it really clicked.  I really think that the confusion from my catalyst event left me introspective in a different way, almost like I was now looking at myself from the outside.  It actually made some things easier, I think because I was able to sort-of remove myself from the situation, which helped a lot.

So now I do sketching, and painting.  I can’t say what clicked, but I will say that it wasn’t something extremely sudden.  Over the past year I’ve tried to keep get my art to be true art, something natural and not forced.  But you can’t force things to be natural, so I needed to learn to relax.  Classical music is great for that, it really is.  There’s a reason it’s lasted as long as it has, the tones are actually calming (for some of it) and that’s really great when doing art, of any type.

I was getting hung up on what should be right, not what I wanted to do.  And art has no right or wrong.  I have spent time actually deciding to focus on the flaws of major art, not to see the failure of it, but to see that even famous pieces of art have just as many mistakes.  Why does mine need to be perfect if these classical pieces of art have flaws?  Seeing some of the same mistakes I’ve made in professional art helped me see that my mistakes were fine, and I could work with them.

Once I stopped trying to make it right, I was able to do what I wanted, and I’ve made art I am proud of.  It’s not beautiful, it’s still very amateur, but it shows progress to me.  I’ve finished something, and I can say I am happy with the result, flaws and all.  That feels so odd to say, but I guess that’s what pride in your work really feels like, huh?

My Curse

I forgot about one thing when I wrote the about me and everything else, but it’s something that deserves it’s own post anyway.

My life is a blessing and a curse.  Serendipity is something I am quite accustomed to.  Things work out, I know they will (normally) and times I have a strong gut feeling for something I tend to be right.  That’s my blessing.  I have certain items of clothing that when I just feel it’s the right day to wear… have certain outcomes.  The worst is a bit chaotic.  It’s not every time I wear it, just times I know I should wear it are days that it’s going to be fun, whether or not I actually choose to wear it.  But maybe that’s just a game I play with myself, I’m not sure.

But my curse is real.  I have this one thing, something I can’t tell anyone.  It’s funny that way, actually.  See, I have this curse that when I really need to talk, nobody can.  Everybody is asleep or busy.  Take today for example.  I was sitting around sanding some table legs for a project.  Really I was just trying to do something that wasn’t self-destructive, so punishing myself by doing work on a project when it will leave me sore was a fair compromise in my mind.  During that I sent a message to the two people I know that were online that I had some idea of something to say: 1) Skuld, said I could use someone to talk to if she’s up, she responded that she was up but didn’t feel like chatting.  I actually appreciate the honesty, so I wasn’t left wondering.  2) Someone made a vague post about being upset on Facebook so I sent them a message asking if they wanted to talk but they were out with friends for the same reason.  So I laughed a little.  Okay, I will try someone else, I am determined to not let this get me down.  The only other person online at the time was Lakshmana, an old friend of mine and Enid’s.  Mostly Enid’s friend, they got along great, but he is bi and was more interested in me.  I tried sending him a message before, not knowing what to say I had asked “What’s up?” and got no response.  But he did make a post on Facebook about 20 minutes later saying that he doesn’t want to talk about “What’s up” but something with depth.  So without something in mind I didn’t want to try that one.

It’s always been a problem for me.  If I really need someone to talk to I end up 100% alone.  Not even the people I don’t want to talk to are around when I need to talk.  That’s why I have this.  Nobody reads it anyways, but at least I can type it out and not delete it.  The idea of it being seen is helpful, but it’s also comforting knowing nobody actually will read any of this crap.  Today I even tried to not let it get to me, and I tried to expand the people I talked to, but nothing.  I’ve made posts on Facebook and Snapchat that I can guarantee got seen asking for someone to talk to and ended up with nothing.  Fuck me huh?

 

 

 

Catalyst Pt. 2

Make sure you read this post before continuing.

Continued…

So since then Skuld and I have talked a little here and there.  I’ve tried to emphasize that I am enjoying her friendship, and more recently she’s made comments that she doesn’t want anybody else, or me, getting the wrong idea.  So I don’t think there’s any issue with us developing anything more, if there are any feelings either way then it’s being kept hidden and it’s probably for the best.  I say either way because I am not certain if I would want anything more, there’s part of me that just doesn’t want to think about that and I can’t say that I disagree.  Makes no sense to want to break up two marriages for something that may or may not even exist, so I guess it’s out of the question to even consider it.  Doesn’t seem to stop people from thinking that there’s more though, I guess a lot of people think sex trumps commitment.

Anyway, that type of interaction where I do really want to be with her and talk to her but I don’t want it to come across that I’m trying to hook up has made me watch my behavior a little more.  I mean, I’ve done that before but with Skuld, she is actually still being friendly back, and is making some effort to respond to me when I send a message.  It’s not always fast, but she responds.  Literally I can send messages to people, hear back quickly on a “Hi” but then ask something and then never get a message back.  How do you respond to that?  Did they innocently forget? Is it rude if I assume they forgot?  Living for other people most of my life by now I don’t like being rude, it upsets people.  So I just leave it and stop talking to people at all.  Still nobody goes out of their way to talk to me besides my wife.  It’s kind-of sad, really.  But that’s why it’s so important to me that Skuld does.  If she can’t talk and doesn’t respond for a while I get a sincere apology for not being able to, or at least I think it is.

There’s a ton of self-doubt here.  This is why there’s pt 1 and pt 2.  A lot of this is my perception of what’s gone on.  Well, it all is, but this is something that I can’t root in much fact because I can see the words but can’t tell if they are honest or not.  When I see Skuld I lose the doubt that she is sincere, but we actually don’t live near each other so Faire and pictures are the only real way I do see her, which are few and far between.

That started a war inside of me and I feel broken in two.  Seriously divided internally where not even my left and right side feel like the same person.  I’ve battled with this and… well, here we are, that’s my catalyst for this.

I’ve been trying to grow my whole life, only the last few years have had much improvement because I’ve tried to better myself for my children but it’s been slow as I’ve seen my terrible traits show up in them and I need to fix both at once.  But something about Skuld started that war inside of me and I think I’m ending up on top.  A little beaten and bruised, but on top.

Follow my other posts to keep track of what problems I have worked through, ones I am still struggling with and the ones I am still discovering.  Maybe you’ll learn something about yourself too.

The Catalyst

So this is the real reason I am doing this.  This is hard to write, really.  Something happened that made things change for me, and I honestly am not even certain what it really is.  I am a very analytical person, I like to figure things out and people are similar (not to sound arrogant but a lot of people are easy to figure out).  I have trouble with social situations though, pretty much just lack of experience.  I can see things great from the outside but I get completely lost when I am involved, and I know I see things in a skewed way then.

If you read my About (and I hope you did) you’ll know I don’t particularly like myself so I tend to assume others don’t as well and I don’t push in unless someone is intentionally making me feel welcome (very rare).  Some of my Faire family are like this and it is part of the reason I can always relax there.  One recent Faire I went alone (without wife/kids) and was expecting to be pretty bored – I haven’t gone alone to Faire in years and I never talk to people when I do.  But after setting up on Friday someone that was an acquaintance (hereby known as “Skuld”) came over to say hi and we sat and talked.  She came over with a friend she is always with (hereby “Gróa”), but that isn’t terribly important.  Skuld is an affectionate person and so am I (at Faire it’s pretty normal to give hugs and have physical contact with just about anybody).  We were drinking some and enjoying each other’s company as we talked with people, but as the night went on it got cold and I changed into pants and got my coat, Skuld had forgotten her coat and refused to admit she was cold so I had gotten my coat specifically so she could wear it.

That’s what started this.  A coat because it was cold.  Not really the coat, but the way she responded to it, most people would have taken it and carried on like normal but she didn’t.  She felt bad that I didn’t have a coat, legitimately felt bad and I saw it.  I hadn’t seen care from a person like that in so long that I won’t forget it. I mean, I do have a wife that loves me and I love her but it just didn’t feel the same.  Anyway, Skuld felt bad that I was cold and put her arm and the coat around me to keep me warm.  I had my arm around her and we just relaxed as we sat and talked still not alone, but still holding each other.  Skuld is married, and so am I.  As far as I can tell there was nothing between us besides friendship, and even if there was it wouldn’t matter because we are both happily married. (still makes me wonder if circumstances were different though)

Through the rest of the weekend we hung out a little bit more but not a whole lot else.  I did catch a few looks that Skuld had given me though.  I know I got a few looks from different women and I finally felt attractive (new beard cut I think helped, and I’ve gotten a bit more muscular).  I don’t know about how Skuld was looking at me though, it was less “He’s hot” and more… something else.  To venture a guess based off other conversation we’ve had since then I’d say she may be having some of the same problems.

I just don’t know what it is with Skuld, but with her I feel comfortable and relaxed.  I feel like I can expose myself like this and it’s okay.  She is someone very important to me, but I have to say that I actually am not wanting anything more of a relationship with her – just to be a friend.  It’s nice to feel like someone actually cares about and appreciates me.  Try explaining that to your wife when she already thinks you’re going to leave her regardless of the fact that I talk to nobody and do nothing (insecurity).
To be continued…